HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
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Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.