@VerifiedBakchod: "I < 3 You" means I'm smaller than 3 of you.
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@juliussharpe: I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I'm with a screaming two year old wondering, "Who is that solo genius?"
@JizzIam: Called my mum to tell her I was stuck in a rut. She yells that life is tough, get on with it & hangs up. I'm now waiting on a tow truck.
@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.
@simoncholland: My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.