“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
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TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“HELP WITH CAT”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.