Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
You Might Also Like
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song