Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
this came to me in a vision
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.