I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
good for her
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.