I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
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No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.