I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
You Might Also Like
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.