@radtoria: I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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@KalvinMacleod: [sky diving] INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump? ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls? INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
@DepecheALAmode: If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say "It's on the house."
@LaziestCanine: [teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] "Gemini's go to sleep when they are tired" HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME