I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…