I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities