@jake_lach: I accidentally ate one of my dog's bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN'S OUTSIDE
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@snowmedia: My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says"Daddy, you did it!" If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she'll flip out.
@jferg1616: Boss: "We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die."
@Julian_Deane: We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
@UpDocInc: I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.