@jake_lach: I accidentally ate one of my dog's bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN'S OUTSIDE
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: What are you doing? ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs? ME: WIFE: You fell down the stairs ME: Yes
@shatterpants: I like to tell people "it's a black thing, you wouldn't understand."And they'd be all "but you're white" I told ya you wouldn't understand.
@_wangwe: Superman's first day at the daily planet. Boss: Since you're new, you might need supervision. Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
@tigersgoroooar: just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”