I accidentally ate one of my dog's bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN'S OUTSIDE

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@jake_lach: I accidentally ate one of my dog's bones and OH MY GOD THE MAILMAN'S OUTSIDE

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@qwertying: A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with - If elected I promise..

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@_davidlucas_: *Buying flowers* Sales girl: Would you like the receipt? Me: Sure! If they don't work, I'll be bringing them back.

@topshelftyson: One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

@SideOfWine: Just as bugs are drawn to bright lights, so are my toes drawn inexplicably to hard objects.

@jwoodham: If you like someone, pretend they're a charger and you're an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.

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