It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
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“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him