I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.