@simoncholland: I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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@Reverend_Scott: *calls boss* Me: I can't come to work. Boss: Why not? Me: Gotham city needs me. Boss: ...You're not Batman. Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
@Mister_Veritas: [first day in the mob] *leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I've always wondered: are they all just named "Don" or...
@patrickmarkryan: Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage