@simoncholland: I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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@SteveSuckington: [high school] Teacher: do u have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
@darkmatter_wimp: At the club, a 6'1" girl was crying in my lap. I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe. Win-win.
@SteussieErica: Husband: We should go to Costco. Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change? H: I said Costco, not Walmart. Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*