I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.