@XplodingUnicorn: I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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@kelkulus: Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
@shimmala: My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.
@usermcuserface: I'm breaking up with you. No, your paintings are not the issue! Vincent van Gogh: (holding his severed ear) Is it the way I dress?
@Cryptoterra: Christian politicians hate science because they think it's always talking about two Adams bonding