@XplodingUnicorn: I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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@madeleinedoux: "the pizza boy is here" It's time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell
@NervousJr: There's awkward, and then there's listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
@voldemortsbicep: *in bed* Him: what's your fantasy, baby? Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold Him: No, like sexual Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-