I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
This was the best day of my life
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?