Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
congratulations to them
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”