I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
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“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”