Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
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*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me too 😆
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.