Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Not all heroes wear capes…
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.