@_NinJar: I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he's blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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@jwoodham: The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven't worked out all the bugs yet.
@parkersJoking: [at Dr. appointment] Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet. Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
@KattsDogma: "You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD." - 3rd degree burn