I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
*pronounces UPS like yoops
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Awesome parenting 😂
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Born to be mild.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!