@_NinJar: I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he's blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
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@lazerdoov: I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.
@3sunzzz: A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it's fun to push things down the stairs.
@Jay_FrickinLynn: [During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?
@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.