I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.