@juicymorsel: I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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@mattgallo123: It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
@simoncholland: Don't believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
@thegayfarmerguy: The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have? 6yo: $60 Me: That's correct, son.