I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Haha good job!!
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Y’all know who you are.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.