I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
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There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.