I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I did not eat the cake…
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you