@BonaFideIntent: I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
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@davedittell: "she's too good for him" "he doesn't deserve her" "she should be with me" "I need a good girl like that" --me looking at other people's dogs
@therealeatwood: KING ARTHUR: …and that is our noble quest. REPORTER: K, great. What shape is your table? A: Um, round? But that’s not really… R: Got it
@WritePlay: Ways to get ants out of your house: 1) Ant traps 2) Say you had a good time but it's late & you have work tomorrow 3) Set house on fire
@AbbyHasIssues: The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.