looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
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🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Yes, this is exactly right
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017