@BonaFideIntent: I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
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@ermahgarton: me: what's ur favorite thing on the menu waiter: oh definitely the salmon me: oh yes ok i'll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
@Dong_Hanger: Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don't know if that's 100 pounds or a billion.
@WilliamAder: Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here."