@BonaFideIntent: I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
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@EJGomez: [interrupts pastor] but jesus was crucified today shouldn't we call today "Bad Friday" or even "Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday"
@SteveSuckington: First date: [ok, don't let her know you're a cop] Her: do you come here often? Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
@SarcasticAlly12: I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
@KrissiBex: My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind I’m the Jesus of social media