@BonaFideIntent: I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
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@WilliamAder: Me: This "Fear the Walking Dead" show is really creepy. Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
@david8hughes: Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...
@Colleen1913: Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don't visit you!