I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
me and who
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.