I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys