I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho