@RidiculousSheri: I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.
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@UncleDuke1969: Me: Tell me about your weekend. Bob: Why? You never ask. Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative. Bob: That's disgus- Me: It worked! Bye.
@ThisOneSayz: *opens door* Stop screaming! *opens door* What broke?! *opens door* Just wait until I get out there!! ~parenting from the bathroom
@IcyAndSpicy: Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life. I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
@TheToddWilliams: I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It's quite ingenious really. Let me explain...