My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
You Might Also Like
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.