@RidiculousSheri: I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.
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@emmatheist: Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
@captainkalvis: [engagement party] brother: show us the ring! me: we dont have time to watch a classic horror movie Dave you dumb shit i'm gettin married
@MattMcElaney: Cashier's playing dumb cause I said "venti" at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.