I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
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3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
それは草
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
rapatouille
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*