@TheTalkingPipe: I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I think it's fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
@Kali_Mura: Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane. Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
@psybermonkey: Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines? Bible scholar: it's a mistranslation [Flashback] King Solomon: more porcupines
@weismanjake: Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread