‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
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3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?