IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
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Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”