I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
You Might Also Like
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were