I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Always 🥴
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty