@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
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@WillGeorgese: “Relax. It’s not a competition.” “Right. That’s what I say.” “But I said it first.”
@BoogTweets: *Full parking lot* Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS! *spot opens up* Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!
@NotJPo: Give a woman a compliment and you'll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she'll feed someone else.
@thatUPSdude: Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs. Even if you do say "ABRACADABRA" when you do it.