@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
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@ginzyj1983: People who automatically say it will get better without actually knowing what the problem is... is why there are bodies buried in my yard
@samalmightysam: Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
@markleggett: I only watch "Game of Thrones" because I'm trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.
@geekysteven: ME: "Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back" STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: "They called?! That's a level 3 violation!"