Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
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If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I put the hot in psychotic.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.