I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.