@FuckabillyRex: I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid's clothes Me: Just so I'm clear, Bigfoot is still out there?
@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
@WheelTod: "Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest": me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine's Day
@nonchalantnacho: Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There's lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.