Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
5 ways to appear taller
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
THIS HEADLINE
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]