I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis