@JazzTrombonist: I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition...while playing the trombone
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@InternetHippo: MOVIE GUY: I’m not giving up. I’m going to win her affections no matter what! WORLD: This is romantic and not troubling
@ruinedpicnic: [catches spider in a glass] spider: omg are you going to drink me? me: oh no this is just to take you outside spider: me: spider: drink me
@KyleMcDowell86: *puts stethoscope up to chest* Dr: I dont hear..U don't have a heart Karen "Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?" *Im in the bushes giggling*
@TheTweetOfGod: What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we're all white.