My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
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Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Said the murderer.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF