I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
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Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.