I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
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*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*