@t0shiba: I accidentally took a woman's multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
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@crunchenhancer: Women are like campfires. Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart. And, both don't like it if you pee on them. Mostly.
@N0pantz: When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
@XplodingUnicorn: My toddler stole bacon off my plate. We all had a good laugh. Then I made her move out.
@SteveSuckington: The average person eats 8 spiders a year *eating 2nd bowl of spiders* "WHO'S AVERAGE NOW DAD?"