I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
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I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”