I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out