@tastefactory: I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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@JRevard: If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
@thedad: [wakes up to crying in the night] Wife: can you go check the baby Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby