I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Genius idea!!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.