I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys