@Gooooats: I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.
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@midnightwhale: [walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire] it's alright guys i got this one. *whips out a flamethrower* TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
@WilliamAder: Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
@UberFacts: A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.
@ItsAndyRyan: Interviewer: Tell me your convictions Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office Interviewer: I mean like 'firm beliefs' Me: Company loyalty