Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud