@Gooooats: I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.
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@IGotsSmarts: My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
@ariscott: Social media: We're getting rid of chronological order. Everyone: NO! SM: Cool, right?! Everyone: NO! SM: Glad you're excited!
@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]
@ceejoyner: ENEMY: can you smell that? That's fear. ME: the baked goods? ENEMY: no. focus on your fear. ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery