@Gooooats: I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.
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@StellaGMaddox: According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
@kelkulus: When I get to somebody's house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
@daemonic3: I'm going to run errands, need anything? "Yes, some new light bulbs" Why, our current bulbs are too heavy? "And a good divorce lawyer"
@Mr_goose007: The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver............we now have a situation in the kitchen.