@momTruthBomb: I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.
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@iwearaonesie: *power goes out* wife: Great, I just bought ice cream me [already eating it] I'm on it
@tararose711: Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
@JumbledButts: Prison Guard: "So you two cons are in love?" Con1: "Yes." Con2: "It's like we finish each other's..." *in unison* "death sentences."
@SteveSuckington: "I love you. I'd do anything for you." -let me see your phone real quick "You're smothering me. I need some space"