@momTruthBomb: I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I'm covering for Debbie this weekend.
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@jonnysun: "911 whats ur emergency" omg im DYING "we'll send someone right awa–" i met THE funiest guy "ok wait so ur not actualy–" AND HE STABBED ME
@aveuaskew: Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
@jessokfine: If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.