I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.