I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Who called it baking and not making love
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
For those that worship cheese..
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it