did it work
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I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
This story is comedy gold 😂
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.