I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
RT if you could go either way.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters